I am in a vortex of obligation.
I faked an abortion last night.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
