well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
