I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
how drunk are you?
Several
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
