I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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