weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
operation harelip BJ is a go
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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