Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
