Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
