I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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