Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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