you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
