rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
