I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
