he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
