Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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