she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
