dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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