I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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