The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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