Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize