So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize