I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
