I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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