i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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