based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
