as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
