I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Shame - the story of my life.
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