I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
