p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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