I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
