2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
