I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
