I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
