just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I believe in your delicious
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
