i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
