Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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