I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
