Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
