i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
