I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
