I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
