Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
