i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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