cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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