just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
