if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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