We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
