My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
