I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize