I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
