i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
