shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize