i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
