Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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